Abide
Abide
May 2, 2020
by Sarah Labriny
I was talking with a friend the other day about how she is weathering the COVID-19 crisis and she said something that struck me: "Why does it take the whole world shutting down for me to be okay with resting?"
This resonated with me. I had been asking myself the same question just the day before our call. Why did it take the whole world shutting down in order for me to rest? After years of pushing myself to be constantly productive, it seemed like this mandatory lockdown was forcing me to rest. As if somehow it made taking a break socially acceptable.
As a Type A perfectionist, I assumed that this pause in daily activities would be an opportune season for rest for three reasons:
1. We would not be able to produce everything we could before. No matter how self-driven we are or how much willpower we have, there are things that we simply are prohibited from doing. Why? Everything is closed, and you cannot leave your house. And I hear all the Type A people (myself included) who had their calendars booked for the next 2 months giving a sigh of relief.
2. Relatedly, this quarantine would calm a lot of FOMO (fear of missing out) because suddenly no-one is doing anything. There is hardly anything for us to be jealous of at this time. Hardly anything to fear that we are missing out on.
3. Lastly, people would expects less of us. Because shelter-in-place has almost completely restricted our activity, it would seem that I should be greatly relieved from all external expectations. Weekly hangouts with friends, coffee dates, music gigs--these are all things that I enjoy, but to be honest, it was a relief to be able to completely clear my calendar because I HAD to. We all had to.
However, the rest that I assumed would be an inevitable result of lockdown did not come. Why? Because we have found new ways to do the things we were doing before.
We may think that because everything is cancelled that there are no distractions. We are inside all day, right? It's not like we can see anyone or do anything. But, if we believe that this halt on "normal" living (in first-world USA) has by default given us rest, then we are fooling ourselves.
Even in the midst of cancellations and quarantine, we are still finding ways to be constantly engaged and entertained. How could this be? Most of us have access to one key tool that, though especially helpful in this crisis, we are using to do essentially everything we were doing before, completely disrupting the opportunity for rest that we so desperately need: technology.
There are plenty of ways to distract ourselves with technology: binge watching tv shows and movies, scrolling through social media, video chatting with friends, surfing the news, listening to podcasts, talking on the phone, texting, etc. These are not bad things to do. And I am certainly not a hate-on-technology kind of woman. (I use music software, studied data science, and have written computer code, I like my technology.) After all, we need to stay informed with how COVID-19 is progressing, we need to stay in touch with those that we love, and we certainly need to communicate with others for the sake of our mental health. Technology provides us with a way to do those things even while in total isolation.
However, filling our entire quarantined days with virtual meetings, streaming services and constant relational interaction, can leave us restless rather than rested.
As these thoughts ruminated in my mind, they began to a rearrange into the inverse of my friend's original question: "why do we avoid resting even when the whole world has shut down?"
The answer I found was simple yet difficult to swallow: It is easier to distract (or entertain) ourselves than it is to face our inner loneliness.
Henri Nouwen's book A Lonely Search for God came to mind. The premise of Nouwen's book is that all humans have an inherent loneliness that deeply saddens us. We try to distract ourselves from this loneliness by socializing with friends, going to parties, and, more recently in history, interacting on social media. But, at the end of the day--after the party, after we say goodbye to our friends, when we open our door and walk into our empty apartment--we are confronted by the same familiar wave of loneliness. In fact, sometimes the hangouts can make us feel even more lonely than before we left our house.
Nouwen's "solution" to this universal inherent loneliness is this: rather than distract yourself from your loneliness by filling all of your time with other people and things, acknowledge your loneliness, then bring it to God and ask God to transform your loneliness into solitude. In this solitude, you will find that your identity comes from God. This identity fills you with security, it gives you an unshakeable foundation in Christ. Living out of this place of solitude means that you no longer have to go through life constantly grasping for things to fill your loneliness, distractions that will ultimately leave you unfulfilled (constant interaction with others, constant entertainment, acceptance, money, power, etc.) Your identity comes from God, and this sets you free.
The COVID-19 lockdown seems to me to be a global shutdown of many potential "distractions" and therefore a global opportunity for us to face our human loneliness so that it may be transformed into solitude. However, as Nouwen explains in his book, this transformation is an active thing, we must bring our loneliness before God and ask that He turn it into solitude. So, it would seem that the question for each of us in this time is "Will we confront our loneliness? Or will we find new ways to distract ourselves?"
In the midst of thee COVID-19 social isolation, we have constructed new ways to do essentially the same things we were doing before, only virtually. We are having Google Hangout birthday parties, Facebook Live concerts, Virtual piano lessons, Zoom video chats for group Bible studies, etc. Again, none of these are bad, but is it possible that we are so afraid of being alone that we are finding new ways to be just as busy as we were before? And just like that, this extremelyunique opportunity to face our loneliness and to have it transformed into solitude slips away...
How could living just as busy as we were before leave us possibly more restless than ever? Perhaps the issue is that by missing out on an extraordinary chance to face our inner loneliness, we are missing out on an extraordinary chance to abide.
Which brings me to the word ~ A B I D E ~. I have found abiding with Jesus to be the one-way bridge from restlessness to solitude. In solitude, we find rest.
It says in John 15:4-5 (ESV):
"Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."
Abide means to actively connect with Jesus, to go to God, look to God, and seek God for all your needs. It is life giving. It is life sustaining. It is life changing. It is rest. Abiding is essentially where our loneliness is turned into solitude.
So, if abiding with Jesus is so wonderful, why have I been so afraid to remove the distractions that keep me from solitude?
When everything is stripped away, when there are no Zoom calls or texts, when there is no music playing or Netflix on in the background, in the silence I find that I am afraid to face my loneliness. I am not quite sure why. Maybe because it is an empty place. A place that can feel desperate and restless and without peace--if I face it without God. With the busyness of life, it has been easy to avoid this place until now. Now, there are HOURS and HOURS of time where I am completely alone and I find myself facing the singular question: Will I abide or will I distract myself?
I would like to choose to abide because to me this means living in reality. I would rather face what is real than escape from it into some distraction of my own devising, whether that is tv or social media or even talking with friends for hours (as wonderful as that is). There are times for those things, and I do appreciate being connected with others. I am certainly not advocating for being completely alone. But, I have recognized in myself the deep, deep fear of facing my inner loneliness, of which Henri Nouwen spoke, and I would like to take this chance to pursue solitude. I would like to learn how to abide with Christ.
I began writing a song called "Abide" a few months ago when my loneliness seemed especially unbearable. I did not know that the loneliness I was feeling would soon become a common global sentiment.
I wanted to share "Abide" as a resting place for all those who are trying to understand what it means to abide, especially in the midst of shelter-in-place. It is a song for those who feel lonely and who wish to draw near to God and abide. It is a song for those who are seeking solitude over loneliness.
As you probably know from the lyrics of my other songs, I draw a lot of inspiration from nature. In this song, we are trees living through every season. Through the heat and the chill, we abide in Jesus, the true Vine, our source of life.
In lockdown, we are all inside, sheltered from most all nature. So, perhaps it can feel like we are not really in any season at all. But, even if we do not feel the heat of the summer or the chill of the winter on our skin, we will likely feel it in our souls during this time of isolation. When those winds come in this time of loneliness, may I encourage you to face them? To not run to distractions but rather to abide with Christ? To choose rest.
"Abide" by Sarah Labriny
Verse 1
Jesus, You are the true vine
Jesus, Water and Light
I have waited years to see
My branches bloom new life
Chorus
I want to know You’re here in the winter
Clear as the outlines of the trees
Would you hold me close in the autumn?
In the changing of my leaves
And when I feel you near in the summertime
Passing in the heat of the breeze
Teach me to lean into Your presence
To wait for the spring
Help me abide
Verse 2
Jesus, You are the true vine
Jesus, the Giver of life
And I’ve held on through highest winds
Through blazing heat and wildfire
Bridge
I have nothing more to give on my own
I’ve soaked up all the sunlight
And all the good soil down below
I need You to come through, Jesus, true vine
Cause I have nothing left in me
I surrender, I abide
I surrender I abide
I will be releasing a demo of this soon. But, in the meantime, you can watch a live version of "Abide" on my social media accounts @sarahlabrinymusic (Instagram) and Sarah Labriny Music (Facebook).
Blessings and love in this time,
Sarah Labriny